Emotional Intelligence and Relationships


Dating Myths That Puzzle Men and the EQ Approach

WOMEN DON'T LIKE MEN WHO ARE NICE TO THEM

Being "too" nice means giving up your Personal Power, an EQ competency, and slipping way over an early boundary line doesn't leave the woman enough time to find out what she needs to about you. Being "nice" means being accommodating, which means you're focusing more on being what you think the woman wants than on being who you are. She needs time to get to know you as you. Personally, I like considerate behavior and good manners at first, and then the greater-niceness can come on after I know the man a bit. If it just appears, I don't see the connection to me and think it's routine. See?

IT WAS IMMEDIATE FOR ME, WHAT'S HER PROBLEM?

Women just don't operate that way. "It," meaning sexual attraction, is immediate for men, and 99% visual. It is NOT for woman. Put this statement into your Empathy-bank!

IT is VISUAL FOR WOMEN; THEY WANT A HANDSOME MAN.

In most surveys women say they want a man who's well groomed, is clean and smells good. That women would have to mention this should give you a big clue. Then interpersonal skills are mentioned such as sense of humor and interesting conversationalist, and being interested in them and their lives. Sorry, big guy, they want YOU, not just a part of you or a pretty face. Get flexible in your thinking (an EQ competency), and understand that women and men don't think alike. Most female clients I talk to are leery of very handsome men, incidentally. They feel it will have kept them from developing character.

IF I TRY HARDER, I CAN WIN HER OVER

Feelings can't be manufactured. If you're determined to make the woman like you, you're moving away from Authenticity and into manipulation, and she can tell. It's self-defeating to attempt this, but even moreso when you try to appeal to reason and logic. I remember being sweet-talked by a guy who just smelled musty and unclean. We have 3 brains - reptilian, limbic and neocortex. The last one is the thinking brain, and it has the least influence, and the least of all in matters of the heart. Brute sexual attraction is in the reptilian brain, but so is disgust. If you are sexually attracted to a woman no one can TALK you out of it, and if she isn't sexually attracted to you, neither you nor anyone else can TALK her into it.

THEN IF I KISS HER, I'LL MAKE IT HAPPEN

Whoa there. You're not listening. If it isn't there, it isn't there. Go up, not down. It's in the limbic area (emotions) that relationships and bonds are forged, and true affection develops. This takes time and exposure. From there, the desire for physical intimacy can develop as well.

WOMEN ONLY WANT MEN WITH MONEY.

If you think that's true, then it's true. There are some women to whom that's the major appeal, but do you want such a woman? You do not. This is where the neocortex comes in and when you THINK. You may have money now, but life is full of ups and downs, and if that's the basis for her attraction to you, it's the money she's after, not a relationship with you. So don't lead with money.

BUT I REALLY LOVE HER AND I TOLD HER EARLY ON.

Increase your empathy. Here's a reality-check. From the woman's point of view, sometimes we can't cross a room without getting propositioned 5 times. To be pursued by a man is not a novel event for a woman. It's common place. It's what men do. (Not that we don't enjoy it!) Be a little creative and flexible (EQ competencies) and keep in mind that most women pay more attention to how a man acts and what he does rather than what he says, because ... men are men. We want to see if you're going to stick around. We want to see if you have Intentionality. Intentionality is meaning what you say and saying what you mean. It's also being accountable for your motives. We want to see if you're a man of your word. We want to know also what your intentions are.

WOMEN ONLY LIKE MEN WHO TREAT THEM BADLY.

No, healthy women don't like to be treated badly. BUT, women are not as strong in Intentionality as men (Bar-on, Ph.D.), and are stronger in Empathy, which means they do more processing. If you come on too strong, you're likely to shut down thinking and feeling both, things you don't want to do. Let's say that love and marriage would be the epitome of "nice" - well, I don't think I'm an atypical woman and I had a man propose marriage to me once on the first date. It was a shock. I was so flooded with negative emotions I didn't want to see him again.

FLOWERS AND CANDY WILL BUY HER AFFECTION

Would a rolex or a power tool buy yours?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Well, most of us don't, most of the time, and we just muddle on through. Women are higher in empathy than men, so tend to have a good idea - if you want to kiss her, she knows it. If you're not there emotionally, she can tell. Just be yourself is the best rule -- honest, imperial and true -- build your resilience (work with a coach), and remember to be self-forgiving for the times you don't quite live up to your expectations.

(C)Susan Dunn, MA Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc . Offering emotional intelligence coaching for relationships, career, midlife transitions, life balance, leadership, communication and life enhancement skills. Mailto:sdunn@s... for free ezine. Put "EQ Work" or "EQ Personal" (or both) for subject line.

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emotional intelligence and dating, emotional intelligence and relationship advice